Meltdowns & Miracles

Every year as my kids' birthdays approach, I prepare myself. More than a month ago I began to rehearse in my mind that Canaan would be turning two. A couple times I even referred to him as a 2-year-old. Just to try it on for size, you know? Ease in?
That's all fine until the actual day comes. February 4, 2009. My baby is two. Two! Can't I remember so clearly calling those needed to come to my home and attend my labor? Wasn't it only moments ago that LaMonica laid my 10 pound, 2 ounce son in my arms, insisting that yes I could hold him even though I was exhausted and my hands were numb from propping myself up in my bathtub?
We have celebrated this boy every day of his life. How very special each of his milestones have been with not only a doting mother and a proud father, but the biggest cheerleaders of all - his siblings - applauding him! How we've adored him and his sparkling eyes, his easy grin, his cute little sayings!

We have spent countless hours on the floor with him, seeing the world through his eyes. We've knelt in the sand and really felt it between our toes. We've seen the little birds hopping to and fro and appreciated their delicate nature.
I couldn't begin to calculate the number of hours I have spent nursing this little one, holding him as tightly as wiggly toddlerhood allows, kissing his rosy lips, smoothing the silkiest hair, caressing the softest little legs.

I have remembered the weeks of early pregnancy when we weren't sure at all that this baby was going to stay put. The months we spent searching for the right medical practitioner for my pregnancy and delivery. The peace and joy we felt when we finally decided to have him at home. The unbelievable experience it actually was, far surpassing my wildest expectations of how wonderful a labor and delivery could be.

We have, in short, fallen absolutely, head-over-heels, completely in love with our magical little son. Alif spoke correctly this morning when he came upon our smiling boy: "It doesn't matter what day it is, you're just happy!" Happy indeed, and oh - we are so, so blessed.

In case you weren't sure, Canaan, we love you. So very much.

Friday Randomness

Yes, I weighed in today. I gained 1.2 pounds. That's not the direction I'm going for! Oops! I was sick all week and definitely did not make good food choices, and didn't track what I was eating. On to a new week and a weight LOSS next Friday.

Yesterday Caris said, "I'm so lucky!" I asked why and she said, "I don't know, I just feel so lucky. I have a nice mom, I got to be in that play . . . " I forget what else she listed but man, how's that for gratitude? Would that we would all feel so lucky over the little things in life! This is a girl who literally suffers every day with itchy, broken skin and lately her tummy hurts every day, and she feels lucky anyway. Lord, please heal my sweet daughter!

My husband was so sweet today. He called to check on me when I'd been gone longer than he expected, and when I got home he had to explain some paperwork to me (not my favorite thing). He asked why I looked stressed out and I told him I had too much to do. He asked how he could help, and would I like him to drop off some paperwork for me? HECK YEAH! Then, even better, he offered to take the boys to guitar so I wouldn't have to wake Caris & Canaan from their naps. Praise the Lord!

That Financial Peace University class we started last week? I can't even tell you how great it is. It is boosting our marriage in a way I could never have seen coming. I don't want to speak for Alif too much, but I'll just say that for him, it has made him think of our finances in a totally different way, and beyond finances, I see him stepping up in our marriage in such confidence. It's amazing to see him so empowered! I prayed for years that God would make him the spiritual leader of our home, but during those years I think I felt like I was the tool God would use to make Alif the way I wanted him to be. It was once I shut up and let God take over that He was able to start really working on Alif's heart, and watching him grow in this way has been such an adventure. I can only hope that he is seeing the same growth in me as a wife!

As for my heart and FPU, well, God is already doing some major construction there too. I was driving around the other day and suddenly had this overwhelming feeling of being a team with Alif. For our entire marriage I have not been trustworthy with money. I have spent without asking Alif, spent money we didn't have, charged things he specifically told me not to - you get the picture. I felt like it was me against him all the time. Every purchase I wanted to make felt like a competition between he & I, and every time he bought something that wasn't completely necessary I begrudged him for it. I'm sure I still have a lot of learning and growing to do, but feeling like - dude, we're on the SAME SIDE here - that's huge for me AND for Alif. What a gift!

Sick isn't all bad

Well, Tuesday night I got a sore throat before going to bed. Alif and I joked about which one of us got it first but no matter, we were both sick and that was that. We had a busy few days coming up so we just went to sleep hoping for a miraculous recovery overnight. Well, Alif did more than hope - he took Nyquil, which he swears is a cure-all. I did not feel well when I woke up. He was feeling pretty fine.

Wednesday night we were scheduled to start a class at a local church and there was no way I was going to miss it. I have been looking forward to this class for months and we were going to be there. The church had arranged for my kids to take part in their Awana program, which was really nice of them since my kids are already active in our own church's program. The commander let me know that it was stack-a-t-shirt night, which meant that the kids could wear as many t-shirts as they'd like, layered.

Can I give you some unsolicited advice? If you have two pre-teen boys, do not send them into their room alone to get ready for stack-a-t-shirt night. Malachi wanted no part in this madness so he donated all of his t-shirts to Graham's cause, and when they came out Graham couldn't even lower his arms to his sides, he had so many shirts on. Over 35 of them, in fact. Just as we were leaving he looked a little flushed and said, "I can't get a deep breath." I realized that he had so many shirts on that they were crushing him, even if only slightly, and he literally couldn't breathe properly. I removed about 5 shirts and he seemed a lot better.

It took some doing to get him buckled into the car and I have to admit that I was nervous. He was being way too quiet in the back seat and about halfway there I asked how he was doing and he said it was getting harder to breathe. I pulled over and stripped about 12 more shirts off and he was fine. I was thinking of suggesting this cute idea for our own church's Awana theme nights but that experience was too scary for me. No kids suffocating on my watch, please!

The class was so great. Dave Ramsey is smart, funny (!) and inspiring. The first video was an overview of the program and despite my sitting there feeling absolutely miserable, I was really glad we went. Alif & I are both excited about making some very positive financial changes.

Today was my weigh-in, and I lost THREE POUNDS!! Ya-hoo babuy! I'm now down 19.8 total and I can really feel it. As a matter of fact, I went right after my weigh-in to buy a size smaller jeans, because the ones I'm wearing today are so baggy they literally fall down as I walk. Major yay!

I'm going to wash those jeans and put them on eBay. I loved them for the few times I wore them, but I'm very happy to be moving down to the same jeans in a smaller size!!

And finally, a portrait taken by Canaan the other night. He kept saying, "smile mommy! cheese! picture!" He took like 20 pictures of me, Caris, the floor, his toys . . . kinda fun to see the world through his "eyes". Oh, and he's such an ego-booster - after each picture he'd say, "cute!" LOL

Sleepy Day

On January 5 Graham had an appointment with a neurologist. I went into this appointment knowing that Graham has Tourette Syndrome, but wanting to avoid leading the doctor in that direction, just in case I was wrong and something else was going on. I wasn't wrong. The doctor kept us waiting for over 2 hours, but he was so lovely that within a minute of meeting him my anger melted away. He was great with Graham and listened carefully, asked lots of questions and spent his time examining him. Then, as if announcing that he prefers butter over margarine, he declared that my son has Tourette Syndrome. Just like that. We discussed some testing, medication, scheduling a follow-up appointment and he was on his way. He had a doctor shadowing him that day. I gathered my children and belongings and as I opened the door, I heard our doctor telling his shadow that Graham is textbook Tourette's - classical.

I didn't have a good day that day. Like I said, I knew going in that we were dealing with TS. It didn't come as a surprise to hear him officially diagnosed - it just came as a big, fat punch in the gut. My son is textbook, classical Tourette's. There's no doubt in the doctor's mind. Since I started suspecting this in Graham, and doing research, and discussing it openly, I have heard countless friends say that they never noticed that I have TS. You can't even imagine how this shocks me. Since I was around 7 years old, I remember feeling like an oddball, trying desperately to hide my tics and often failing. I had a frog sound that annoyed my family. I had a lip-curling tic that the clarinet section noticed in band. I had so many tics that I tried to disguise, which I now learn is a great coping mechanism for TS sufferers.

So when I heard that doctor pronounce my son's official diagnosis, years of discomfort built up in me. Parents want better for their kids. We don't want our kids to suffer. We don't want them to feel weird. We want them to be comfortable in their own skin, to be well-liked, to excel.

I've done fine with TS, I really have. According to others. Many of my tics are what we call "internal", meaning that they require me to tense my muscles over and over. It isn't comfortable. I still have tics that make me feel that I appear odd to others, whether or not they actually notice. The mental energy that goes into TS for me is indescribable to someone who doesn't deal with this.

Ohhhhh, I hate this for Graham. He, however, doesn't seem terribly upset . . . on the surface. When I talk to him about TS he seems pretty open about it. He asks questions, talks pretty openly. I'm worried, though. I've noticed a few things that are cause for concern that I want to talk to the doctor about when we reconvene to discuss the results of his testing.

Speaking of testing, he had an EEG today. That means that last night Alif kept him up until 11, he got to sleep from 11-3, I got up with him from 3-5 and Alif took over from 5-7. His test was at 8. I couldn't imagine that he would be able to sleep in that office, sitting in a recliner, with an electrode-filled cap strapped on, plus electrodes on his arms and earlobes, with a technician and me both staring at him. Well, he did. I couldn't believe it. He did just great! I think this test was just to rule out seizures.

So - his next appointment is next month. We'll see where we go from there.

Happy Day to You!

Canaan, all big-boy-ed out in his car seat on our way to church.

Alif started a soccer season with our friends from church last week. OMGosh how cute is he in his soccer gear?? And do you see how he is sucking air big-time? As our friend Mike noted, skinny apparently does not mean fit. I hope this means Alif will start walking with me!!

We inherited this headboard from my Grandma and Grandpa, and I love it so very, very much. It's just so - them.

Daddy does not like it when I do Canaan's hair this way.

About my outfit . . . I'm so, so sorry. And I'm even sorrier to tell you that I went to Target like this. Oh my gosh, someone help me with a major wardrobe makeover! But I lost 1.2 pounds last week, which brings the grand total to 16.8 pounds. Weee!

After we made brunch on Sunday, Alif and I sat at the table and talked while the kids played outside. I looked out there and said, "oh my gosh, the kids totally match! I have to take a picture!" I tried taking a little video too but within like 3 seconds someone said something rude and I gave up and came inside to chat with my husband.

One day Caris was sleeping a little too long at naptime so I went in to wake her up. She woke up cheerful and she was so pink and giggly and I was lying on my bed looking up at her sitting next to me, and I fell just a little more in love with her. She is my tiniest little best girlfriend and I adore her.

My 2 Favorite People!

My bloggy friends obviously know I'm losing weight. My family and a few IRL friends know. Everyone who knows has been SO super supportive and encouraging!

But yesterday, TWO people who don't know that I'm on Weight Watchers noticed that I have lost weight!! Sunday morning at church, S asked if I have lost weight, and oh I got so excited! LOL I told her that she was the first person to notice and she was so happy with me. She said she can see it in my face, and she was really encouraging about my losing the rest.

At Awana, A said that she can tell that I have lost weight. Wait a minute, I actually think I did tell A that first week that I was going to try WW. So hmm I guess only one person who didn't know a thing about it - but anyway, A said I look narrower all over. HOORAY FOR THAT!!

Another girl made a comment too about seeing my pics on my blog (thank you K!!) and made my evening!

God knew I needed some heavy-duty encouragement and boy did he send it!!

Photo credit: http://www.lisavictoria.net/Images/Fantasy/Full/toothfairy.jpg

In totally non-related news, Caris has her first loose tooth!! She woke up from her nap two days ago and came bounding down the stairs, wiggling that tooth for all it's worth. My big boys were a full year older than this when they first lost teeth so it was a big surprise to hear this big announcement from Caris! She keeps saying, "I am SO EXCITED that I have a loose tooth!" and then she will glance at me and add hastily: "but a little bit sad too, because I'm growing up so quickly." LOL My girl knows her Mama's heart!

For your laughing pleasure

Malachi and Graham take my weekly weight-loss-documentation photos, and they do a good job! Thanks, little guys! This week though, Mommy was just not at ALL photogenic. It was so bright outside (yippee!) and apparently I couldn't keep my eyes open for more than a millisecond. Also? I wondered what do I look like sitting down these days. Yeah. I'll be doing more standing. And sucking in that belly. Geez. And one more thing: maybe I should have done this BEFORE I wore this Frumps 'R' Us outfit IN PUBLIC. :-X

BUT - I lost 1.8 pounds this week, and unlike last week, I am THRILLED with that this week. My Mom and I went out of town last week and I didn't do very well with point-counting. We had a blast together though, and I did eat pretty well. It just goes to show how bad my eating was before, that even on a "bad eating" week I am losing weight! I can't wait to see what next Friday holds! I'm down 15.6 total now. Still lots to go.

It always comes back

I love to watch Biggest Loser, and I am so excited that it's coming back for another season next week! It's a great motivator for me mid-week, and then I have my WW meetings on Fridays. Good timing! When I watch Biggest Loser, I always roll my eyes a little at the contestants who lose 2 or 3 pounds and act like they are total failures. Give me a break, I think, you lost a great amount of weight! Well, guess what? I only lost 1.8 pounds this week. I weighed this morning on my scale, which I thought was totally the same as the WW scale, and according to my scale I was down four pounds, so to see 1.8 at the meeting was kind of depressing. Depressing - geez, I'm rolling my own eyes at myself. 1.8 is great! 1-2 pounds a week is the Weight Watchers standard, and if I lose at that rate I will reach my goal weight around the end of summer. I'm gonna have to just keep plugging along, be patient and celebrate along the way. I exercised almost every day last week and stayed within my points for the week and those are great things. So - moving onward!

One of our New Year's Eve traditions is to let the kids bang pots and pans at 9:00. This year we pulled some party poppers too. It was especially fun when my father-in-law wandered over from across the street to see what all the commotion was about. :-)

We also make s'mores for NYE. We don't normally make them using mini marshmallows and chocolate chips. LOL It was fun to change it up a bit, though.

We also like to do a craft in the evening. This year we started a pocket book about the four seasons. Here's Graham's cover.

Not THAT peanut

First two things:
1) We use correct names for our anatomy around here. No "hoo-hoo" or "weenie" or whatever - we call them by their proper names.
2) We don't tend to use "peanut" as a pet name - probably because Caris is deathly allergic so "peanut" doesn't seem all that endearing.

I changed Canaan's diaper the other day and once I was all done I said, "what's up, peanut?" Canaan looked at me for a second and said, "huh?" I repeated: "what's up, peanut?" He pointed to his diaper zone and said, "that one? Peanut?" I literally LOL, emphasis on loud.

Picture Overload

It's so heartwarming to see my Dad interacting with my daughter - like reclaiming a bit of my own childhood.

Oh my GOSH I love my kids. :*) We were leaving for my Dad's on Christmas Day in this picture. We looked high and low and couldn't find the shoes that went with Caris' dress so she wore boots. LOL

Have you ever played Mexican Train? It is FUN!

I was telling Graham this year that the year he was born, he was 3 weeks old on Christmas Day. That year, when we went to my in-laws' house, I laid him on their couch, put a big ol' santa hat on him, and snapped a picture with a throwaway camera. As I told him this, I wished I had kept up the tradition every year. Better late than never!

Caris, soooo sweet in the little church performance. The kindergarten class told the story of Jesus' birth, each child speaking a line. Caris' was "a King would be". So precious!

Canaan is one cute boy - but can you see his rascalian look here? This is the expression he has when he wants to do something he's not sure I'll let him do. "hold it?" "have it?" etc.

Weight Watchers week 4! Down 4.2 pounds this week for a total of 12 so far. 62 to go!

Impact

When my Grandma went to be with the Lord eight months ago, she left a hole here on Earth. We miss her so much. Sometimes it's the big things, like Christmas, and remembering all the ways she made it special. Other times it comes in a fleeting moment - just some small way she impacted my life. Some of these memories make me smile. Some make me laugh. Some bring stinging tears to my eyes.

Right after she died, I wondered to myself whether I would actually want to leave such a big hole. Would I want my kids and grandkids to miss me so desperately?

I realized something today, though. Yeah, my Grandma left a hole. A huge one. And when I think of her, sometimes I feel sad. But then there's this: impact. She didn't really leave a hole, did she? She taught us all so much through her love, her laughter, her way of doing life. In a big way, she made my Mom who she is - she made my sister and my brother and I who we are. Her ways have trickled down through three generations already.

That's not a hole. That's a life's purpose - fulfilled. Still, if I ask the Lord to hug my Grandma this Christmas season and tell her that I miss her hands, her sparkling eyes, her sweet words, her singing next to me in church, her juice in the morning, her green beans, her egg basket, her green thumb? If I ask Him to let her see me singing her lullabies to my children at night, to see me bouncing them the way she used to? I think it's ok to cry a little.

Fanatical Friday

Who's fanatical? What are we fanatical about? Is fanatical even a word? Anyway, here's our week in review:

Canaan wasn't sure about the big ol' tree in our living room at first. I'm sure he wondered what in the world we were up to now, and he didn't like the "sharp" feeling of the needles. We encouraged him that it's ok that there's a tree and it isn't really sharp, just a little poky, and he likes it now.

Here I am on Week 1 of this WW journey . . .
and here I am now, week 3, down 3.2 more pounds for a total of 7! Yay! My bodyguard back there is fierce-looking, isn't he?

Just - you know, toddler cuteness.

Caris was in a play this last week called Christmas Around the World and she represented Belgium: "Christmas breakfast in Belgium is a special sweet bread what's called coognoo. The shape is s'posed to be like the baby Jesus." How cute was she?? Oh my gosh. And by the way, my Mom - GORGEOUS!!

Canaan entertaining himself while he waited for the play to begin.

Squeamish Reptile Update

I wonder if there's a way for non-reptile-lovers to opt out of my reptile posts. I understand the need to not hear about them. I would not be housing reptiles if it weren't for the passion of my second-born son.

So last night was the opening night of Caris' Christmas play, and it was great. Totally delightful. Alif and the boys stayed home since they are all going to attend tonight's performance.

When I got home, Alif pulled me aside. He had some bad, bad news. Nancy had had an accident. I'm sure you can see where this is going. She has lost her tail. The accident was caused by a child. Let's just say that I had 10 points left to eat for the day and I was so not hungry.

Once I got Canaan to bed I signed on and did some research about gecko tail loss, and I found a lot of information. Apparently it's really, really common. I got tips on how to care for her and passed that along to the boys and they did exactly what I told them to do.

Poor Nancy. Who knew my heart could hurt so much for something so disgusting?

It's Friday Again

Warning, reptile pictures ahead. Ok, you've been warned!

Meet Nancy, so named after the Fancy Nancy books, since she's very colorful. Please, take my parenting advice here, ok? DO NOT GET YOUR CHILDREN REPTILES AS PETS. You see Nancy there - she's really cute. Do I want to hold her? No, I do not. But she's pretty cute to look at. Don't even let her cuteness fool you. Lizards = somewhat cute. Their food = DISGUSTING. I won't even go into it, to spare you the grief, but they eat live insects, ok? It's gross. So gross.

Here I am at the end of Week 1! I lost 4.6 pounds! Hip-hip-awaaaaay! They changed things up this week and now I have fewer points per day than I did last week, but it seems realistic to me and still pretty darn generous. I really did not feel deprived this last week at all, just like I needed to pay attention to what I was eating. I laughed today when I calculated the point value of these cookies I'd been eating all the time before I started WW and they are three points each. Ohhhh my gosh. LOL So ok, I look awful in this picture but there it is, week 1! Thank you for being so supportive of me!!

Last week when I dropped the kids off at enrichment classes, Caris' first period teacher pulled me aside. She was asking questions about her peanut allergy and the more I told her, the more uncomfortable she became. I don't blame her - Caris' allergy is very stressful. Bottom line, she asked if I would keep Caris with me during 1st period because it was a baking class and there was a lot of stuff with nuts. So after I walked her to her second class I grabbed this picture of Canaan with a sleigh on the museum grounds.

But during period 1, Caris, Canaan, Alif & I watched Graham's puppet show. It was so cute!! Here's Graham peeking out before the show started.

Oh - here's Miss Piggy, so named because though she's quite a lot smaller than Nancy, she can really EAT!! And that is all I will say about that. You're welcome.

WW Day 3

I'm on day 3 of Weight Watchers!! DAY THREE! Go ahead and laugh but this is a major accomplishment, sister. I really cannot wait to weigh in on Friday, and if I haven't lost at least 2 pounds I will be one unhappy camper. Last time I did WW I lost 7 pounds the first week. I would be shocked to have that sort of loss this time since I get an extra 10 points a day for nursing. I will have to see how it goes - if I'm not losing like I want to (2 lbs a week) then I'll have to cut out the extra nursing-mom points. Graham's birthday party was a challenge. We served chips, soda, cake, ice cream, cookies and candy. Yeah babuy. I had some of the candy and a piece of cake, which cost me a total of 15 points. Not that bad for a special occasion.

Speaking of Graham's Birthday party, here's the main man himself!

He had a nice little party! I wrote up a shhhedule a couple years ago that gives each child a big party and a little party on alternating years. With four kids, one starts to feel a little guilty inviting all the friends and family over every couple months for a party. I thought it would be good to change it up a bit so there are usually only 2 big parties a year. So this was his little party, and it was just lovely. He collects nutcrackers, so he chose a nutcracker theme. Sure made my decorating job SUPER easy!!

And to top it off, he seriously received all the gifts he'd asked for. He's wanted a lizard for years, so we got him a setup and he got a couple pet store gift cards. Alif & the big boys are out now procuring the creature. I'm sooo excited. :-X He got not one but two cool watches, not one but two awesome nutcrackers, a guitar, a book that looks right up his alley, fabric to sew with, money for a camera - he is really a happy little guy today. And nine - I'm still in disbelief.

The Week in Review

Canaan rockin' the nerd glasses at Tony & Rabae's house for Thanksgiving dinner

Is it possible that Alif has boob envy after seeing me nurse our babies for the last 10.5 years? I have seen him trying to latch a baby on, after all - and not just once or twice, either. And let's not even wonder what my brother-in-law Tony is thinking here.

How happy do I look to have weighed in at a whopping 224 pounds at Weight Watchers today? Pretty dang happy, to be honest. It's my absolute highest ever, pregnant or not pregnant, and it's all down from here. My precious mother bought me a membership to Weight Watchers after we tried a TOPS meeting and it was less than motivational for us (though a very, VERY nice group of people). On our way to the meeting the kids were trying to get a picture of what it would be like, and Caris asked if it was going to be like Biggest Loser. I said it kind of would - I was thinking of weighing in, you know? And she said, "so will they drop you into water or anything?" I LOL and told her there wouldn't be any challenges or anything and explained what it would actually be like. It must have seemed pretty dull compared to Biggest Loser. My first goal is to lose 22 pounds - 10% of my body weight. That would put me below 200 which would be MOST motivational, I think. I will tell you that I sure have some bad habits to change. Last night I mentioned that to Alif and he asked what I meant. I said, "well, I'm used to eating whatever I want whenever I want - (laughing) I guess that's why I'm in this position to begin with." :-O Wish me luck!!


I just had to include this because it cracked me up. This is so not typical Caris! LOL

NINE (as of yesterday) year old Graham in the pajamas I made him yesterday.