Monday, September 12, 2011

What it feels like

So. My house is quiet for the first time in at least 6 months, and I have more than fifteen seconds to think - alone - so I thought I'd do a little post. Mainly because my counselor says I need to write.

I've been trying to process what emotions I'm having. There's so much going on right now that it can be tricky to put words to my feelings, even to my own self. It's a pretty confusing thing.

But the other day I got a mental image of exactly what it feels like to be me right now. I'm about to annoy you if you hate word pictures.

So I'm in a lake - well, Alif & I are in the lake together. Some days we're doing ok. We're exhausted, of course, because being in a lake nonstop is a tiring thing. But you know, on those ok days we're kind of swimming around and enjoying ourselves even though we might really like to be on the shore and not smack in the middle of this blasted lake for 6 months in a row. But it's alright and sometimes it's even fun and SOMETIMES it even feels almost normal!

But a lot of days we're really REALLY tired and it sort of feels like we're treading water. There's really no fun happening and we're both pretty irritated and Alif especially cannot understand why we can't leave the lake already and get back to normal life. But we can't. There IS no normal life. It's all lake, baby, and you either swim or you drown, but either way there is constant effort.

And then there are those days that are thankfully few and far between when I am really pretty sure we ARE drowning. Like, that feeling of being just BARELY treading water, and our faces are going under and we're sputtering and gasping for air.

God is our lifeguard and sometimes we invite Him in to play and other times we look up at Him on His lifeguard stand and wonder why He's not jumping in to save us.

Our friends and family are all close by but no one's really swimming with us any more. They've basically gone back to their normal lives, as they should, but they come around and dip their feet in from time to time and sometimes someone even jumps in and throws us a ring now and then so we get a little rest.

So. That's how it feels right now. Some days are good, some are bad, they're all exhausting and we're trying to find our way through this and figure out what today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year will be like.


  1. ((hugs)) I wish there was more we could do. I want to throw you a ring, but I feel like I'm just getting in the way, so please let us know if we can do anything.

    How's this for continuing the analogy. A drowning victim rarely looks like they are actually drowning. So give us a yell, k?

  2. Thanks Daisy! You guys are such faithful, wonderful friends. We have A LOT of support and I sure hope I didn't make it sound like we don't! It just feels very alone sometimes. I know we can count on you and lots of other friends & family though. :-)

  3. Emily,
    After Alif's time in the hospital, I kind of lost track. Where exactly is he at this point? Physically? Emotionally? Mentally? Spiritually?

  4. Your word picture was perfect! It gave a pretty clear understanding. Since you aren't answering my emails or IMs, I figured you must be pretty darn busy, so came on here to check out your life! xo

  5. Anonymous4:24 AM

    I am a long-time reader and while I don't know you personally, I just wanted to post and say that I will be praying for you. What a journey for you both to be on. The Lord will be faithful to see you through. Is your husband out of the hospital now?

  6. I continue to pray for your family, for strength and encouragement to just keep going. Praying for more and more days where the swimming is a little easier and fewer where you feel like you are slipping under. Hugs for you, sweet friend. xo