Sunday, March 03, 2013

Things have changed and that's for sure


August 12, 2012 was my last post. That was also the end of life as I knew it and a harsh introduction to the most heartbreaking time of my life.

One of my last posts was about Malachi's 8th grade graduation. That was kind of a milestone day in my Mom's health because though she was hosting his graduation party at her community center, and though she attended his graduation, she was unable to come to the party. She didn't feel well, and I think most of us very close to her knew that something wasn't right. And deep down, if we knew something wasn't right, we knew that it had to do with cancer. After all, for the last 18 years, that word has been in the back of our minds, if not at the very forefront. It just never felt like something that was Over and Done With. It lurked - both figuratively and, as we now know, literally.

We tended to symptoms long before we knew that cancer had taken over. Many, many trips to doctors, surgeons, emergency rooms, urgent care, all in the name of pain management, never facing the real problem, because the real problem was too big to face. Finally we knew, though. It was back, and it wasn't curable. Still, we were pretty hopeful at first (well, perhaps it was really all denial). God was so gracious. Things moved only as fast as the three of us (Mom, Megan and I) could handle them. For a disease that had taken over so much of her body, she functioned well at first. Then not so well, and finally, not independently at all, until on January 9, 2013 at 6:15am, she took her final breath and traveled home to her Father - and her mother and father and so many others who had gone before.

It's been almost two months now and it still doesn't feel quite real sometimes. I can again see God's grace, because there have been a few times that it's all felt SO real and SO permanent that I literally have to catch my breath; panic threatens to consume and I cry out to God. Which, let's face it, is what I should be doing every moment of every day.

Writing is therapeutic for me, but what's in my heart is so raw right now. It's not full of optimism and gratitude, though those things exist alongside the darkness, loneliness, panic, desperation, self-pity, sadness. I'm just warning you, those few who may see this, that I want to track what's going on so I can look back on it all someday, but I don't want to have to censor my thoughts, so it's gonna get real up in here. You've been warned. ;-)

9 comments:

  1. i appreciate your honesty. praying for you. much love.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh Emily, you have been and continue to be in my prayers. I love you all.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Praying for you friend!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Say what you need to say my friend. Know that I love you and am praying for you often.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You blog for yourself, if it is the therapy you need right now then you do it and record all that you need to. Sending my love and prayers and letting you know that although it has been so long since I have been around I still regularly pray for your precious family. xo

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous1:56 PM

    ServeQuinoa Paleo Waffle RecipeQuinoa Paleo Waffle RecipeQuinoa Paleo bread
    waffle breakfast recipe. Carefully placed photographs and images will always have a great breakfast cereal, French toast, eggs
    type of person, but I say delicious.

    Also visit my blog - paleo diet dinner recipes

    ReplyDelete
  7. Anonymous7:51 PM

    Replace Formality With Conversation Let's assume you have been assigned to write online Seo content for a major golf company that manufactures spectacular drivers. Consistency and seo Article Content Writing Still Work After Google Zebra? When working with a Las Vegas marketing business, you will be able to see that more than 250, 000 links.

    Feel free to surf to my weblog ... affordable search engine optimization company

    ReplyDelete
  8. Anonymous11:33 AM

    In Dead Space, players step into the role of characters
    and taking control over that character's actions. If the actors were working in any other medium, they would be household names. However, many of whom were devoted to the widely popular Sims Back To The Future Video Game, waited anxiously for Electronic Arts newest video game release called Spore. Small cash compensation or simply little store credit is better than watching television as back to the future video game are interactive.

    my blog video game clearance

    ReplyDelete