Melancholy

Grief is weird. It doesn't move along at a proper pace like most things do. It clips along and then juts forward, falls back a step, spins in a circle, takes you up a mountain and plummets you into a ditch. I guess as it's whirling about, though, it does move forward. There's definitely hope down the road, evidence of healing as time passes.

It makes me think, too, about the way I see myself and my role in my little community. When I feel sad I don't want to leave my home. I was thinking earlier about why that is, and realized that it has a lot to do with feeling like I have nothing to offer. Which of course made me wonder what I thought the world needed from me.

Anyway, feeling a little melancholy over here. Sickness in our home for over two months now has played tricks on my sanity. I'm still a wife and mom but in a way it feels like life is passing me by. No church, no AWANA, no gym . . . just the very necessities like grocery shopping and kids' sports.

So enough of my whining. My smart, thinking, maturing, turning-into-a-man Malachi came along on Canaan's photo shoot. Little did he know that Miss Davi would snap some pictures of his sweet face too. I'm really looking forward to Malachi's actual Birthday Shoot in April, but until then, here's a sneak peek:

The real tale

First of all, if you read me in a reader, please click over and see the new design! Same old blog, fancy new updated look!  A HUGE thank-you to Barbie for designing the header and framed pics of the kids over there to the right. I love it!!

By the way, this is totally the look I'm going after for my home. That robin's egg blue (or whatever we might call it) really makes me happy.  Add in some red and some pink and it just feels so me!

So what I really came here to tell you is the real story behind the amazing pictures Davi took.  I have known Davi online for some time now, but hadn't met her in person. Well. Miss Davi was every bit as sweet and fun in person as I knew she would be, but I really could not have made a worse first impression if I had tried to.

The first thing was the money. It was tucked neatly into a zippered pocket in my purse that morning, but when I reached for it to pay Davi, it was gone. I panicked. Big time. Where in the *world* could that money have gone? I called Alif to see if any of the kids at home knew about the money, and he was quiet. Very quiet. Finally, he sheepishly admitted to having taken it out himself. "What? WHY??" He really had no explanation - I guess it was just kind of a joke, he said. A joke. Huh.

Davi wasn't worried about the money, thankfully, and we went ahead and got started. My precious Canaan, Mister Very Sweet Somebody, was awful. I mean, there just aren't words to describe how ridiculously obnoxious he was. I will try.

~ He ran away from us. I don't think I've had a child run from me anywhere ever, but Canaan ran.
~ He was completely contrary. If Davi said for him to show her his cute smile, he'd cover it with his hands. If she told him to peek through the boards, he dropped to the ground so we couldn't see him at all. Etc.
~ He was obsessed with a big (and not very photogenic) hole and simply would not leave it alone.

Oh friends, it was just mortifying. There was basically nothing I could do. My hands were tied, and boy did he know it. He took full advantage of the situation.

It was one of those moments in parenthood when you just know God is teaching you something. Can you guess what he was teaching me? Yeah - pride. It's not a good thing. My kids are really awesome people. They really are. I get comments everywhere I go with them about what wonderful children they are, and every time someone says something I'm so thankful. I know that in the blink of an eye it could all go horribly wrong. One child might say something annoying to another, or someone might interrupt me 10x in 30 seconds - you know what I mean. Kids are just unpredictable. But generally speaking, they're just really good kids. This situation with Canaan and the Pictures was humbling. So, so humbling.

But despite his insanity that day, the pictures are just adorable. Even the "outtakes" are pretty darn cute.

I should have seen from the start that we were in for Trouble! Look at that rascally smile.

Ooooh! A hole! What lives in there, Mommy? Is it big? Will it bite me?

A high-five to the person who guesses what nasty thing was going on here. A mother of boys will guess it, I'm betting. And yeah, he learned this from a certain older brother. Nice.

Can you smell it? Hee hee hee! (Oh, I just gave you a clue to the previous photo's basis)

No really, I want to get IN that hole. I just know there's something fantastic in there.

See this dirt clod, Mommy? I'm going to pelt it at you from above so you have dirt in places the public isn't privy to.

See those two scars on his bottom lip? He rolled off my bed when he was littler. There was a lot of blood.

So. I'm not even going to tell you the moral of the story. I think you already know.

And thank you again, Davi, for your extreme patience.

Canaan is Four

Have you met Davi at Little Band of Brothers? Her family photography is so amazing that I contacted her to see if she would be willing to take pictures of Canaan. She was willing! Yippee! Just wait until you see how precious and beautiful they are . . .

How old are you, Canaan?

Who can separate a boy and his dirt clods?

This is Alif's favorite - Canaan daydreaming.

Just absolutely beautiful, aren't they? And tomorrow you'll see the story behind the story . . .

He cared enough to hurt for us

My sister is losing her baby today. She is 9 weeks pregnant but the baby has no heartbeat and this baby will not grow before our eyes, but in Heaven instead. My stepsister delivered her son as a 24-week preemie on February 3rd. He lived until February 8th.

We are all grieving. Devastasted. Lonely for babies we thought would fill our arms in just a few short months.

As I pray for my sisters, think of them, talk to them, I wish there was something I could do. I wish I could make this not be happening. I wish I could make it all go away. I can't, so then I wish I could heal their hurt. I wish I could bear some of it for them.

And for the first time it occurs to me that our Jesus went to the cross in part to ease our pain. He didn't want to suffer and die, but he did want to take away our sins. I think it's safe to assume that as he did suffer, his perfect love for us meant that he was more than just willing. I think he ached to provide a solution for us.

There's nothing I can do to take away my sisters' pain, but I am so thankful that we serve a Savior who loves us enough to take it all on his very back so that we can live.

Worst Valentine's Ever

Updated to add: June thought Alif was pretty lame too. 

No, not this year. This year's was sweet and cute and family-oriented and fun. But my favorite blogger of all time, June at Bye Bye Pie, asked us what was our worst Valentine's ever and when I wrote out my response, I thought I should share it here too.  Feel free to laugh at my expense.

When now-dh and I had been dating 2 or 3 years, he threw me a most fantastic Valentine's celebration. He cleared out one room and made into a full-blown Valentine extravaganza with handmade crafts, a romantic candlelit table, love music playing etc. He made us a fancy, delicious dinner and acted all romantic, pulling my chair out for me and the like. He gave me a couple of gifts during dinner and FINALLY dessert time came, and we had stars in our eyes, we were just so blissed out, and I KNEW, I knew he was going to propose. Finally.

And sure enough, he passed over a very small jewelry box and said, "this is for you," looking so pleased with himself and excited and nervous. I opened it to find . . . a clock. A tiny, gold, engraved clock.

Mine is actually very sleek and simple. It's about 1" tall and 1" wide.

What. the. heck?? I cried and he thought I loved it and then I really REALLY cried and it was just flat-out awful. That beautiful celebration turned into our biggest fight ever and I went home sobbing. I don't know what was worse, his retardedness or my severe overreaction to the disappointment. A couple years later we got engaged and life is now great. Despite the clock.

Happy 4th Birthday Canaan!

You may be only four, but you're a superhero to me!