This morning started out in an ordinary way. Nice day, pleasant, sunny, slept in a bit, chatted with Lynette on the phone - just, a nice beginning to the day.
Then the phone rang. I saw that it was my friend Cyndi calling and answered. We are good friends, but we don't just call to chat, so I wondered what she was calling in regard to. I thought maybe she was calling to see why I wasn't at Bible Study on Thursday. So the phone call started in kind of an odd way, and I wondered what she was leading up to. Well, it turns out that God had just completely put me on her heart and she wasn't exactly sure what she was leading up to either. LOL I so admire (AND APPRECIATE!!) that she was willing to step out in faith like that. It's way too long to write about all the details, but it actually turned out that she had some serious spiritual truths to speak into my life. Some of it was just completely encouraging, and other parts were exhortations delivered in the most uplifting manner. I felt . . . well, just amazed that God really cares enough about me that he put my name on Cyndi's heart that way, and also that she actually followed through, not even knowing what it was God was asking of her.
I left that conversation feeling primarily really grateful and loved, but I have to admit that I also feel completely upside-down. What's so special about today, February 17th, that made God want to bring together so many loose ends? That's not even the right way to put it - I'm just at a loss to explain what I'm feeling. So many things that God has been trying to tell me came together through that conversation. Confirmations of things I *thought* he might be trying to say, new things that need to be refreshed and pressed into my heart, really old promises that I thought maybe He'd forgotten . . . wow. Like I told Cyndi, there's so much of God's power that I want in my life - I so want to be 100% poured out for Him EVERY day, and believing Him REALLY - deep down, in the core of my being . . . but man, the flesh in me rises up to DO something about it. Just - God, tell me WHAT TO DO! Alas - that's just not what He has in store right now. I've gotta just BE. Just be before Him humble, believing and the hardest part, waiting for what He wants to do in me.
So - I got off the phone with Cyndi and was just reeling, so many thoughts and prayers and just - WOW. Then reality hit. Graham bent up his new glasses, hit the dog with a stick repeatedly, got into Daddy's tools . . . I immediately felt so discouraged and disheartened.
I talked to Lynette again, and she was so encouraging about mothering, as she always is. Through that conversation I got to thinking about what things I am not really doing as a mother that would be for the betterment of my kids - my family. I prayed about it a little bit, and felt the conviction about my time online. This is a scary step for me but I wrote good-byes to two large groups of online friends. So much of my fulfillment is coming from the Internet that the rest of my life is suffering, including my kids. That is a sad and convicting realization, but again - laying that all before the throne, I know that God has a plan. He didn't make me my kids' mommy for no reason, and despite my failures, He has a purpose!
So, you can see that I am so scattered right now, which maybe is exactly where God needs me. I've always gotta work everything out - figure out the why, how etc. and man - that really doesn't leave God much to work with, does it? Humility. Humility . . .