Moving on is not easy. My emotions cover me head to toe, thinly veiled and completely undone by some of life's changes. I'm ready to wean. Canaan's ready too. He's a big boy, all action and words and ideas. He still cries for mum-mum and there have been a few times I've almost aborted this mission and gone back to our cozy-all-the-time nursing days. I have actually nursed him four times since we went cold-turkey, for less than a minute each time. Each time I try *not* to wonder if it's the last. I try *not* to memorize how his little face looks, how his hands stroke my arms, how his hair feels on my lips as I kiss his sweet head. I try *not* to see how desperate his eyes look when I tell him it's time and break the suction with my finger.
I do soak in how he nestles in with his head resting on my neck once he stops. I cherish the way he still crawls in bed with me, takes my hand and uses my palm as his pillow. I cry even now, not wanting my precious baby boy to grow into a big boy who doesn't need mommy's cuddles nearly as much. Even though big boys are amazing too.
Right after I weaned Canaan, he and I both caught colds. This is the biggest temptation of all to nurse him. To nourish him the way only this milk within me can. I have expressed milk that I thawed and tried to give him in a cup, but it isn't what he wants. It's from the tap or not at all, I guess. I wonder if God allowed this minor illness as a reminder that we are both in His hands, at His breast, nourished by His loving care.
The worst part of nursing is letting it go.
Emily, That was an awesome post!!!!! Well written! Moms everywhere, even ones like me who are long past nursing days (but still long for them, every once in a while) can empathize. You described how the majority of us feel. Thank you. Praying for you my young bff!
ReplyDeleteWeaning is hard. Mine just did it, I didn't get a say. I had at about 15 months knocked them back to ONLY nap times and bed time (and through the night if they really needed it) and Lion stopped at 18 months and Dragon at 16 months. I remember wondering each time as I realised they were giving "me" up if this would be the last time. Did I want to know which feed was going to be the last or did I want to realise only when the next feed didn't happen... it is so emotional isn't it? There's nothing silly about the emotions though, feeding releases hormones so we really can't help but get silly about it :-) That's just what chicks do!
ReplyDeleteOh, sweet baby, is there any good time to wean? I hope you both get through it without too much more heartache. :)
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