Thursday, December 10, 2009
Not just their journey
We met with our charter school resource teacher today. We all love our resource teacher, but it was not the easiest meeting ever. We have not been completing as much work as we should. While Graham has improved considerably in his reading class, Malachi has not. There was talk of keeping him in 6th grade for another year. And as long as we're on a suck-fest roll, Graham's been having some behavior issues in his enrichment classes.
I left feeling deflated.
Here's the thing about being a Christian mother. We know that we have hope in all circumstances. We know that God is bigger than any situation. We know that he loves our kids even more than we do, and he's not about to give up on them, ever.
But. I also know how many times I have failed my kids. That I have always struggled with discipline and when I am not disciplined, my kids pay for it.
How to make these two balance? The whole drive home my mind kept going back and forth: "You're such a loser of a mother."
"No you're not. You discipline consistently, you love your kids, and their faith is infinitely more important than their reading level."
"But their reading level is important, and you're failing them. That reading teacher, why didn't she tell me it wasn't going well with Malachi? She said in 10 short weeks she would fix my boys. They're not fixed."
And then . . . "I am a God of hope, and I love you. We will get through this together."
I heard the voice of my God, still and peaceful in my heart. And then I realized. I'm not just a neutral in this homeschooling journey. It's not just their journey. It's mine, too. God has not only called me to homeschool my children because it is what's best for them - it's what's best for me, too. I need to grow in discipline. I need to grow in grace. It's not just for them. I'm not lost in some whirlwhind of a 20-year homeschooling journey. I'm here with purpose. FOR a purpose. My God is faithful, and he will never, ever give up on me.