5 days old

I am grieving my baby growing up and he's only 5 days old! When he's resting on my shoulder, eyes closed, mouth open, quivering every so often the way newborns do, I wish I could freeze time. I wish I could memorize his face and know I'd never forget the way he feels, smells, moves. I think of all the times I have said I'm SO DONE having kids and think I must have been crazy to feel that way. Nine months of nausea? Scary first trimester due to bleeding? Painful labor and delivery? One look at that tiny little face makes every moment of it worthwhile. Of course my hormones are in overdrive and it's no time to be thinking about whether or not to have more babies, but every time I look at my newborn I want to cry (or I actually do), knowing how fast he's going to grow.

I've been blessed to have lots of company this week, and I dread next week already, when my Mom will be back at work and the initial excitement of seeing the baby is over for everyone else. It's this weird time between all of the excitement and newness, and getting back to normal life. The quietness of it makes me really lonely and I get weepy very easily. I'm looking forward to LaMonica's visit on Monday as though it's a huge social engagement. That's another thing. I don't want to let go of the pregnancy "stuff" - and yet I'm thrilled to have my baby here and to not be pregnant any more. Geez, I need to just realize that my hormones are off and not think so much about this stuff, but it's hard not to. I feel a little like a basketcase yesterday and today.

We went out this morning and had Canaan's second blood draw done. I honestly hardly put him in the bilibed, so I hope that his numbers have come down all on their own. I know he's nursing well and getting plenty of milk, and I'm just not really worried. I actually regret paying the $65 for a 2-day rental of the bilibed. :-P I was going to go by the church office to show off the baby but I heard him poop just before we got to where we'd turn, and also he was screaming at that minute, though only for a couple minutes. Maybe we will go to church on Sunday, we'll see. Either way I'd like someone to take the boys so that they can keep up on their memory verse program.